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Middle Narnwarts

June 1, 2011

Raise your hand if  you spent an entire summer digging a hole in the backyard of your childhood friend. Raise your hand if you got stuck in the hole and had to have your friend’s mom Mrs. Burton squat you out with the strength mothers are known to exert when their children are pinned beneath cars. Raise your hand if two weeks later you went to the fair with Jake and Mrs. Burton and barfed Onionaire Burger into a Pepsi cup which Mrs. Burton provided at the last moment and raise your hand if you actually allowed Mrs. Burton to take the cup of puke and throw it in the garbage for you and give you a piece of gum and get you a drink of water. Raise your hand if you have no idea what Jake is up to these days or Mrs. Burton or any of those people from the summer when you dug a hole and raise your hand if you wish you could hold on to that comforting, Mrs.-Burton-will-always-be-there-to-take-my-cup-of-puke feeling.

Raise your hand if you ever played games. Raise your hand if you played games like there was no tomorrow. Raise your hand if you lived for a month or a summer or a year in Hogwarts or Middle Earth or Narnia or Hogwarts or Hogwarts or Hogwarts. Raise your hand if you’ve been to Middle Hogwarts or Middle Narnia or Hognia or Middle Narnwarts. Raise your hand if you ever visited Middle Narnwarts as a Red Ninja with a lightning bolt scar and a light saber riding on a saber-toothed tiger. Raise your hand if you invented a curse more powerful than Avada Kadavra and raise your hand if Jake always had a shield that was able to block it even though you emphasized the unblockability of your curse so many times to Jake.

Raise your hand if Alien and Predator and the Blue Power Ranger and the one-armed Heman and Meat (the cyborg with the plasma cannon) and the Giant Stingray and Godzilla and Batra and Mothra ever engaged in orderly duels on a carpet battlefield that turned into bloody wars that turned into reckless vendetas of eternal wrath which resulted in the inevitable obliteration of the Blue Power Ranger at the hand of Meat (the cyborg with the plasma cannon) who was then arrested for crimes against humanity and banished to the jail cell in the bottom of the bin until tomorrow–anytime tomorrow–anytime you felt like it–anytime you got done drawing pictures in a book made of notebook pages stapled on the wrong side,which was, interestingly, the right side. Raise your hand if you, like a good father, punished Meat (the cyborg) only because you didn’t want the Blue Power Ranger to feel unloved–unappreciated–and raise your hand if this is why you played with the Blue Power Ranger at all–because he was in the bin–and if he’s in the bin, that means he has a right to be played with, because even though you salted slugs and torched beehives and drowned spiders in jars, you knew that nobody deserves to face the future without memories of a pre-earth life.

© Trent R. Leinenbach, Ashen Apples, 2011.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. Jacob Burton permalink
    June 2, 2011 7:10 am

    Wow; I completely forgot that it was my mom that pulled you out of the hole; I thought we had somehow gotten you out by wedging you out with a shovel or something. I do recall always having the shield; that was just a brilliant strategy 😉

    All of the characters/worlds seemed to blend together back then. Star Wars, Narnia, Middle Earth, Hogwarts, they were all amazing, but don’t forget Diablo and the Jurassic Park dinosaurs.

    This brought a smile to my face 🙂 Obviously your writing skills are still amazing, but the true genius you have is your creativity. I always assumed you would write a fantasy series like Tolkien did; I still wouldn’t be surprised if you did 🙂

    Hope all is well with you sir! Everyone else, keep reading his blog!

    • June 3, 2011 7:11 pm

      Love those memories. Thanks for reading Jake. Hope life is treating you well and that you’re happy.


  2. Courtney Bean/Bready permalink
    June 2, 2011 4:40 pm

    Trent, I’m so glad to see you are still hilarious. And what a way with words! This is brilliant. I was laughing out loud. Hope life is treating you well 🙂

    • June 3, 2011 7:08 pm

      Thanks Courtney! I’m glad you liked it and hope you’ll hop on again sometime. Hope you’re doing awesome! Thanks again.


  3. Stephen V. Nelson permalink
    June 2, 2011 9:06 pm

    HAHAHA!!! my arm is starting to get sore with how many times I’ve raised my hand.

  4. June 3, 2011 1:23 am


    You probably don’t remember me, but you were in my sister’s seminary year in High School in WA-I was a grade lower, which I think is how we came to be facebook friends. Her name is Bri Zabriskie now but you would have known her as BriAnne Atkinson.

    This evening I logged onto facebook and saw the link to your blog on my page. I’m an English major and enjoy writing fiction and occasionally nonfiction and publishing it to a blog as well, so naturally curiosity got the best of me and I decided to explore.

    You absolutely cracked me up 🙂 There’s a strong sentimentality to your humorous portrayal of childhood and I appreciated the way you presented it as to a class as well.

    I know I always enjoy it when my random readers drop a line, whether there on the blog or in person later, so I just thought I’d let you know that I appreciated your fun style and prose. If you don’t mind, I’ll look forward to visiting your blog again in the future to see how it develops 🙂 btw-I’m curious about the title, is there a story behind Ashen Apples?

    Hope all is well with you in Middle Narnwarts, the view from AlagaeHogitton is a sunshiny one 😉

    KristiAnne Atkinson

    • June 3, 2011 7:06 pm


      Hey how are ya?! So did your sister marry Hannah’s brother? I’m really glad you took the time to read the blog and comment on it–thank you! I primarily write fiction as well. Ashen apples is the title of a poem I wrote and some of the symbolism there is interesting to me, so I’m hoping it will become a motif in the fiction. I definitely hope you check out some of my future stuff and I’ll have to check your blog out as well! Thanks.


  5. June 8, 2011 12:00 am


    I am fantastically wonderful 🙂 how about yourself?

    My sister did indeed marry Hannah’s brother Grant Zabriskie, and they are about to have their first child, a baby boy due in July-it will be the first grandchild on our side and we are very excited! 😀 How do you know Hannah?

    I have to tell you, I just read the posts on the ‘Obsidian Mirrors’ you wrote, and I am utterly fascinated 🙂 Thank you for posting your writing– It is an adventure to read! I definitely look forward to seeing that one comes along 🙂

    Have you ever considered posting the poem on here? Or would it ruin the effect of your fiction by spoiling the motif? –Just curious, I think it would be interesting to see 🙂

    And I’d love to have you visit Tantalizing Tartarus any time 🙂


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