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How I Handled the Situation When Tyler Soki Peed His Pants

July 15, 2011

He’s six so it’s ok.

I take off my sweatshirt—a sweatshirt with a tree on it that says Stanford, so that people keep asking me if people in my family have gone to Stanford, but when I asked my parents if any of us have gone to Stanford they laughed and shook their heads.

He’s just six and plus it happens to me sometimes too. It was just his birthday too so he’s just barely six.

I take off my sweatshirt I was just saying about and hand it over to Tyler Soki cuz he’s crying, so he can wrap it around his waist. He wraps it in a way that the main part of the sweatshirt hangs down the back and covers his back-privates and the arm parts of the sweatshirt hang down in front of his front-privates. Sometimes I call them back-privates and front-privates, because they’re both private. But do you know, it’s kinda funny to call them that, though. It’s not what you normally call them. Sometime I’ll tell you what my friend John calls them it’s so funny.

My sweatshirt made Tyler feel better cuz now it’s harder to see the pee splotch all over his front and back privates. He shouldn’t’ve worn those red sweats today cuz they always make the splotch get really dark and you can see it from about a googolplexia miles away. You could see this splotch from outerspace. It’s a really bad one, cuz he did that thing where you start to pee, and then because you’re afraid of what’s happening, you don’t think, “Tyler, stop!” You just think, “Nooooo!!” the whole time it comes out, until it’s done.

That’s what he did, and actually now I’m kinda thinking maybe the arms of my sweatshirt aren’t long enough because this was a butt-load of pee and it’s down almost to his ankles. I tell him to hide in the Tube at the corner of the playground while I go get a Recess Duty or a teacher. I can’t see any Recess Duties or teachers so I start to walk across the entire playground looking for one. Tyler’s just hiding in the Tube crying till I get back. The Tube is like a huge cement tube. It’s big enough to fit maybe four kids, but still small enough that a bear couldn’t fit in, unless it was maybe like a young black bear. Not a grizzly and not a polar and NOT a Kodiac, which is the biggest bear there is. A couple days ago I drew a picture of a Kodiac eating a farmer and Duggy asked me to draw it on the back of his sweatshirt cuz he liked it so much. I messed up on the farmer’s boots cuz it’s hard to draw on a sweatshirt, so I made it so that instead of a farmer it was a alligator and the boot was its head. Duggy liked it even better than the one with the farmer and so then I had to draw like a hundred more pictures of Kodiacs eating alligators for everyone in my class.

I sold each picture for one quarter until Mrs. Bushnell made me stop cuz all the kids were spending their hot lunch money on pictures of Kodiacs instead of hot lunch. But the hot lunch is like eating barf mixed with earwax and eye-crusties anyways, except for the nachos. The hot dogs are green on the inside and you can tie em in knots and they also bounce back up to your hand if you throw em on the floor hard enough.

Before I sold the pictures of Kodiacs, I sold bookmarks, and I sold Creepy Crawlers, and I sold shampoo. The shampoo was neat because it was mostly just a bottle of water with a few different squirts of different kinds of shampoos and even a dog-shampoo squirt in it, and you shake the bottle up and it gets just as soapy and shampooey as normal shampoo but it smells cooler and it’s made of water. But the teachers made me stop selling all those things so the kids could eat their hot barf lunches.

Yesterday Quinn and Alex dared me to put mustard and mayonnaise in my Jell-O and eat it. I was kinda angry cuz I love Jell-O but I still did it and it was so funny. Quinn and Alex used to sit by Ricky and have him eat stuff like that and give him a quarter, but I do it for free because I like it. I like to eat anything. That’s why I have some fat roll on my stomach but that will all move up onto my shoulders and turn into muscle about the same time I start getting pit hair. I used to think the fat roll was funny cuz you could make it look like a donut but then Melissa said I was fat at TJ’s pool party and so I didn’t go to any pool parties and I stopped making donuts out of fat roll except when I was home in my room. And then when I did it, it wasn’t even funny to me, I just kinda did it when I was in a bad mood, to look at it.

Once, back when I went to pool parties more, I forgot my shoes at the pool! I got in my mom’s Honda Accord and we left all the way to my house, and I got out and the cement started to burn my feet, and my mom asked where my shoes were and that’s when I remembered that I forgot them! NOBODY forgets their shoes very often because you have to WEAR them so it’s like, “um, something feels different, hmm where are my shoes?!” But I still forgot! I forget stuff all the time cuz of the ADD and we don’t use medicine, cuz it makes me not hungry and makes me also have weird dreams and act funny. For example, once when I was taking a couple of different kinds of medicines at the same time, I told my parents I wanted to kill this woodpecker that was pecking on our house, by setting it on fire. That’s when they took me off the medicine but I still want to set the woodpecker on fire by shooting an arrow into it and the arrow’s on fire. So we don’t use any medicine but that means I forget pretty much everything. But, I have to find some new ways to pretty much cope the ADD because you can’t survive for long in today’s day and age if you don’t, you know, cope it and stuff. If you don’t, you go the school of hard knocks, which is where my parents went, and it’s much better to go to grade school to get a regular education. So, that’s pretty much why I’m standing here today by this huge mud puddle, watching this crazy duck trying to ride on the back of his friend. It actually looks kinda fun, if I was duck. But I’m just a kid.


© Trent R. Leinenbach, Ashen Apples, 2011

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