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Emergency Prep, Section II: Zombies

August 31, 2011

By means of a few connections in high places, I was able to get my page on zombie prep included in the 91st ward emergency preparedness plan. It was well received by the committee and the bishop, all of which apparently understand the necessity of preparedness in the face of zombie takeover. What I didn’t know when I submitted my page on zombies was that the ward emergency preparedness plan was only one page long. This means half of the 91st ward’s plan has to do with zombie prep…still, one can’t be too careful.

Section II: Zombies

In the event of zombie infestation, please attend to the following basic guidelines.

How do I recognize a zombie if I see one? Just remember SCUM:

Stinky. The suspected zombie emits a foul, necrotic odor.

Cold. The suspected zombie has no vitals, making the flesh cold.

Unresponsive. The suspected zombie is uncommunicative and displays a lack of cognitive function.

Moaning. The suspected zombie emits long, unintelligible moans.

How can I defend myself against a zombie?

Remember, whenever possible, avoid any kind of contact with zombies. Engaging in needless combat with a zombie can be extremely dangerous, and should occur as a last resort. The moan of a zombie acts as an attractant to other zombies nearby. What begins as a fair fight with one zombie may turn into a desperate face off with droves of the undead.

Better than fighting is fleeing (see How can I prepare now for zombie infestation?). However, when combat becomes necessary, remember the following basic guidelines:

–   Don’t panic (remember, you’re much more intelligent than your opponent—don’t let fear cloud your judgment).

–   Aim for the brains (don’t bother with anything else, it’s a waste of time).

–   Bigger weapons aren’t always better (seek a weapon that’s light and trusty, and doesn’t require frequent tune-ups or reloads, such as a hatchet or machete).

–   Get to safe ground. What’s your exit strategy? In some cases, there will simply be too many zombies to hold off on your own.

How can I prepare now for zombie infestation?

–   Establish a meeting point, such as a mailbox, where you and your family/roommates can meet in the event of zombie infestation. Stage a practice drill to make sure your meeting point is effective.

–   Prepare 72-hour kits with water, food, warm clothing, and other essentials. In the event of full-scale infestation, you may be forced to stay in your home or flee to established safety zones for many days. Often, the greatest danger is not direct zombie attack, but thirst and starvation.

–   Exercise daily. During zombies infestations, your strength, speed, and endurance will be your greatest assets.

–   Talk about it. Broaching the topic of possible zombie infestation with friends, family, roommates, and neighbors encourages preparation and familiarity with the basic principles of zombie preparation. The knowledge you share may save lives.

–   Be vigilant. Watch the news. Remember SCUM. If a zombie outbreak does occur, you should be able to see it coming long before you stand face to face with the walking dead. When you see the signs of imminent zombie infestation, warn your family and friends, and take appropriate action.

© Trent R. Leinenbach, Ashen Apples, 2011

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