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Research

October 16, 2011

I’m working as a research assistant at BYU. Sometimes people ask me what I research. Here’s the basic answer:

Mostly, I conduct thorough research of my fridge and pantry, and my findings there (or lack thereof) bear heavy consequences on my mood and physical health that day. I have been researching my last carton of eggs for three days now, and I feel that the subject matter has nearly been exhausted.

Lots of my research is focused on cold cereal and toast. Guys, toast?

I have a roommate who snuck into the kitchen while I was gone and researched an entire box of pizza I had purchased hours earlier, and of which I had only had a chance to conduct a precursory investigation.

I once researched some cheese but the topic was “covered in blue and green mold.” “Covered in blue and green mold” is a saying we researchers use to denote a topic which is outdated or no longer relevant.

Occasionally, I’ll see somebody eating a subway sandwich, and I’ll say, “Pardon–would you mind if I researched your sandwich real quick?”

Sometimes the fridge reeks. (This is just jargon.)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just finished a bit of research on a thoroughly expired jug of milk, and I’m seriously considering publishing it all over my bedroom floor.

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